Last night while in the car, Maddy says "You know, Granny really loves you as much as she loves me. She just doesn't show it as much because I am so precious." - - yes, you are sweet girl. So, so precious.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Other than yesterday, I only cried over you one time. It was in the darkest hours of the night that started that one month that I was without you in my life.
That one month that I hope to forget.
With you and I it is easy. We don't have to force anything
and though it's not always perfect,
it's always good.
But yesterday was different.
Every word I said seemed like the wrong word and every move the wrong move.
I was sitting across the couch from you
but with the distance I felt inside I might as well have been sitting across the ocean from you.
I walked out of that room as quickly as I could walk and into the alone-ness of my closet of all places.
And there...I lost it.
A temporary release of it all.
Emotions fell out of my eyes and I couldn't catch my breath.
I wish you knew that I loved you
and how much.
You are the one I want to go there with
...but I can't be the one that takes us there.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
There are some things that have been on my mind lately...
I've been thinking about for far too long
but not actually putting in to action.
I have been thinking about all the daily opportunities that I have to actually live my life...to do things that make me happy...opportunities that I trade for a few hours of mind numbing TV watching.
What a waste of freaking time.
I don't think that I'll ever look back on my life think
"man, i sure didn't spend enough time sitting on my ass watching tv..."
But you know what I will regret....
Not taking enough walks with Maddy
Not taking that weekend trip to see my grandma
Not calling the amazing friend that I know is going through the hardest time of her life
Not eating healthy or taking care of myself
Not nurturing my creativity or following my passion
Not spending time in the kitchen cooking with my girl
Not making memories or taking enough pictures
Not meeting new people and making new friends
Not spending time making my girl laugh that contagious laugh
Not making my house a home
Not laying in the grass and counting the stars
Not saying yes enough
Not following my dream, not taking chances, not trusting that I'll be ok even if I fail
Not going on bike rides to the donut shop for breakfast
Not nurturing the relationships that mean the most to me
Not taking adventures
I think what it all comes down to is living my life with intention.
Somehow, somewhere I fell into a rut
and got stuck there.
But that's not really going to work for me anymore....
Happiness is something we have to look after...be vigilant about. --Glorious Day
Friday, July 20, 2012
Had dinner last night at Pei Wei with my mom and Maddy. Mandarin Kung Pow = YUMMO.
This was my fortune.
(sidenote - - -Am I the only one who thinks fortune cookies are disgusting but cannot resist the fortune? Then I always feel bad for being wasteful so I forced myself to eat the slightly sweetened piece of folded up cardboard of a cookie.
Fortune cookies = not yummo.)
Sooo. Back to the fortune.
(kinda like back to the future...no? ok.moving.on)
How true is this one?
Understatement of the century.
Understatement of the century.
But love? Love is not hard. Love is beautiful and magical and kind. Love is going to bed with a smile on my face. Love is knowing he'll be here tomorrow. Love is six hour drives through 2 states for 24 hours of being together. Love is closing my eyes and thanking God for him right then and there. Love is knowing that he gets me. Love is a kiss in the morning, reassurance after a hard day, joy in the present and hope for the future. Love is not distant even through the distance. Love drives out all fear. Love is honest and open and it gets down to the core.
"Love makes everything else worth it."
(Prescott - date by numbers)
"To love and win is the best thing..."
I love him...but I don't know if what we have is love.
"....to love and lose the next best."
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Because writing it all down will help me remember. I have so much to remember. And a brain that doesn't store things efficiently.
Because I know there's a writer somewhere deep inside. She's been lost for awhile but wants to come out.
Because an escape just might be what I need.
Because the words and stories and pictures are all there...waiting to be captured.
Because inspiration can come from within.
Because I can learn from looking within, looking forward and looking back.